In this Wise Counsel episode, Dr. Van Nuys interviews Psychiatrist William Glasser (developer of the influential Reality Therapy approach which became popular in the 1970s) and his wife Carlene Glasser. Together, they have written a new book on marriage titled Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage.
Over the last thirty or so years, Dr. Glasser has evolved Reality Therapy into something he calls Choice Theory. The basic premise of this approach centers around the need to learn how to take personal responsibility for your actions. This is difficult to do becuase many people do not experience what happens to them as a product of their own choices. Rather, they believe that they have been acted upon and are not responsible for what happens to them. They both believe they are controlled by others, and work hard to control others so as to make those others conform to their own ideas of perfection, and in the process, end up making themselves and others miserable.
According to the Glassers, a tendancy they label External Control is responsible for the destruction of many marriages. External control occurs when one partner tries to control the behavior of the other partner. External control occurs when partners criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe one another to act in particular ways. People try to force their partners to behave in particular ways becuase they believe that if they can only get their partner to conform to their ideal, then things will be right with the world. This idea doesn't work ultimately because attempts to control ultimately provoke defensive reactions and drive partners apart. The Glassers argue that marriages work better when both partners independently give up their efforts to control one another (and each do so without needing the other to do so first which is itself another instance of external control). Partners still need to communicate their interests and expectations to one another (something the Glassers call each partners' "Quality World"), but in such a way as to not make demands. Partners who want to be with one another and mutually recognize the benefits of being married will open themselves to being influenced by their partners so long as that influence is non-coersive.
Over the last thirty or so years, Dr. Glasser has evolved Reality Therapy into something he calls Choice Theory. The basic premise of this approach centers around the need to learn how to take personal responsibility for your actions. This is difficult to do becuase many people do not experience what happens to them as a product of their own choices. Rather, they believe that they have been acted upon and are not responsible for what happens to them. They both believe they are controlled by others, and work hard to control others so as to make those others conform to their own ideas of perfection, and in the process, end up making themselves and others miserable.
According to the Glassers, a tendancy they label External Control is responsible for the destruction of many marriages. External control occurs when one partner tries to control the behavior of the other partner. External control occurs when partners criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe one another to act in particular ways. People try to force their partners to behave in particular ways becuase they believe that if they can only get their partner to conform to their ideal, then things will be right with the world. This idea doesn't work ultimately because attempts to control ultimately provoke defensive reactions and drive partners apart. The Glassers argue that marriages work better when both partners independently give up their efforts to control one another (and each do so without needing the other to do so first which is itself another instance of external control). Partners still need to communicate their interests and expectations to one another (something the Glassers call each partners' "Quality World"), but in such a way as to not make demands. Partners who want to be with one another and mutually recognize the benefits of being married will open themselves to being influenced by their partners so long as that influence is non-coersive.
Edmond with Dr William Glasser, 2004
4 comments:
Wow edmond U got the honour to meet the guru himself.
Yes, Luke, indeed an honour to learn directly under William Glasser, himself. Recommend you listen to Dr Van Nuys' interview with Dr Glasser and his wife, Carleen on '8 Lessons for a Better Marriage'. Click the title, Dr Van Nuys Interviews Dr Glasser to bring you to Mentalhealth.net webpage. Click 'browse' - 'podcasts' - 'wise counsel podcast' - 'view full view archive'. Great lessons. Happy listening.
Sir, how does a man who has strong sexual desire but is tired of sleeping with his wife cope with that need? Will visiting a prostitute be morally right?
Desperate.
I am not here to tell you if it is morally right or wrong. You should know it for yourself. My question to you is, is relationship with your wife important, and will your visiting a prostitute bring you to a closer relationship with your wife? On the reverse, is it acceptable to you, if your wife go for a male prostitute for her sexual needs? Edmond
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